Arun Chandrasekaran

Journey Within 10 Day Vipassana Retreat

April 23, 2024

Introduction

Welcome, dear readers, to a journey of self-discovery and inner transformation. In this article, I invite you to join me as I recount my profound experience during a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat under the guidance of Padma Bhushan S.N. Goenka. Together, we’ll explore the depths of silence and introspection, uncovering the timeless wisdom that resides within each of us.

A bit of history

I’ve been meditating since a young age, initially informally taught in my school. We would collectively sit in silence, using our breath as the focal point, for five minutes before classes began each day. In the 6th grade, I began meditating regularly at home, using a candle lamp as my point of focus from 6:30 pm to 7 pm. This practice continued until my 11th grade.

During my college years, however, meditation took a backseat in my life, and the habit eventually faded away. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I reignited my meditation journey after attending an online course by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, which introduced me to Kriya Yoga techniques. While I found these techniques beneficial, I wasn’t fully aligned with Sadhguru’s blending of Kriya Yoga and Bhakti techniques, given my upbringing in a Hindu family where I had performed and attended rituals with my current rational mind, I wasn’t convinced by the Bhakti path.

My perspective shifted when I encountered Dr. Daniel Ingram’s book, Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha¹, which offered a practical approach to enlightenment without mysticism. Inspired, I delved into the techniques outlined in his book, embarking on self-retreats intermittently for several months until I reached a stage known as the Dark Night, which I’ll delve into in future and I took a long break which regressed my progress.

Realizing the need for formal, in-person meditation training, I sought out Insight meditation retreats in the Theravada tradition, free from sectarian beliefs and dogmas. Dan recommended Tattagatha in San Jose, California, which caught my attention, offering 60-day retreats. I couldn’t find a way to give 60 days time commitment.

Then, I stumbled upon a 10 day retreat by SN Goenka, advertised as non-sectarian. Intrigued, I booked my spot a couple of months in advance, eager to immerse myself in this transformative experience.

Day 0: Arrival and Silence

Upon arriving at the meditation center in Kelseyville, California, on Day Zero, we were instructed to surrender our phones, wallets, and all personal belongings. Stripped of distractions, it was just me and my breath, embarking on a ten-day journey of self-discovery akin to that of a sanyasi.

Despite experiencing severe jet lag from my return trip from Singapore the previous day, I was determined to navigate this challenge. The retreat began with the imposition of Noble silence, a practice not of inherent nobility but observed by those traversing the noble path of yoga. We dined promptly by 6:45 pm and convened for the evening discourse at 7 pm, where we were briefed on the Five Precepts, noble silence being one of them.

Our daily routine commenced with a 4 am wake-up call, followed by meditation in our rooms at 4:30 am. Throughout the day, we engaged in meditation sessions until 9 pm, punctuated by breaks. Mandatory sits were scheduled thrice daily in the meditation hall: from 8-9 am, 2:30-3:30 pm, and 6-7 pm.

Meals adhered to a simple schedule: breakfast from 6:30-7:15 am, lunch from 11-11:45 am, and dinner from 5-5:30 pm. The agenda was straightforward: ten hours of meditation daily for ten consecutive days. It was the exact intensity I had sought, a crucible for inner transformation.

Days 1 to 2: The Battle with the Monkey

On Day 1, despite setting my alarm for 4:00 am, I naturally woke up at 3:59 am. It felt like the universe was aligning with my intentions. After a bracing cold shower, I dove straight into meditation at 4:30 am. My mind, ever the wanderer, whisked me away to both real and imaginary realms. This pattern persisted during the 8-hour meditation sessions throughout the day, but gradually, my mind began to find its footing.

By Day 2, each breath became my anchor. Focusing solely on the breath came easier, yet it was accompanied by an overwhelming sense of monotony. Nonetheless, I persisted, much like the fellow practitioners surrounding me. It’s a challenge to remain motionless for extended periods, especially for ten hours a day. I found myself constantly adjusting my posture, compounded by the lingering effects of jet lag. But through it all, I reassured myself that this discomfort was temporary, a passing phase on the path to inner growth.

Day 3: Narrowing the region of attention

On Day 3, our focus shifted to the region below the nostrils and above the upper lips, and I noticed a significant improvement in my ability to concentrate. This sharpening of the mind came as a welcome development, even though maintaining this focus throughout the day proved to be a formidable challenge. My body began to exhibit signs of fatigue, prompting thoughts about the curriculum for the remaining days. Despite my dwindling energy, I remained undeterred, determined to persevere.

However, the chanting during our meditation sessions presented a cultural hurdle for me. The language used, Hindi, felt discordant to my ears, with the tune resembling a mourning chant rather than the peaceful, energizing chants I was accustomed to in Sanskrit and Tamil. Nonetheless, I resolved to remain open-minded and focused on my personal journey of self-discovery.

Day 4: Vipashana and persistence

On Day 4, the practice evolved as we were instructed to observe sensations across different parts of the body, from the crown of the head to the soles of the feet, while discerning the three characteristics inherent in each sensation. This approach resonated with me, as I had encountered these principles previously in MCTB. The task was clear: methodically observe each part of the body, honing in on the impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and selflessness present in every sensation. Whether experiencing a pleasant sensation akin to electric pulse-like vibrations or an unpleasant one such as itch, tingle, sweat, or burn, the goal was to observe them without bias. This meant cultivating equanimity by neither craving the pleasant nor averting from the unpleasant.

For me, this approach felt natural, as I consciously rejected the notion of categorizing sensations as either pleasant or unpleasant. Instead, I embraced each sensation with equal acceptance, allowing for a deeper understanding of the impermanent and selfless nature of all phenomena.

Day 5: Reflections

On Day 5, the meditation instructions took a new direction, prompting us to observe sensations from bottom to top and then alternating between top to bottom and bottom to top. While we were prohibited from taking notes post sits, a practice advocated by Dan in his book, I found value in reflecting on each session afterward. This post-sit reflection allowed me to gauge the effectiveness of my practice and identify areas for improvement. By remaining focused and introspective in this way, I not only stayed on track but also made significant strides along the path of self-discovery and calmness with my mind.

Days 6 to 8: Equanimity

During the meditation sessions, we delved into full-body scans, sweeping and massing sensations, before returning to the meticulous observation of individual body parts. Through this process, profound insights began to surface. I found myself realizing the impermanence inherent in every sensation, leading to a deepening sense of equanimity. Pain and pleasure transformed into mere transient phenomena, no longer holding sway over my consciousness as I observed them equanimously.

In my quest for understanding, I sought to discern dissatisfaction and the absence of self in each sensation, drawing upon insights gleaned from past self-retreats prior to the Dark Night. However, this time, I encountered difficulty in realizing these truths. Despite my knowledge and prior experiences pointing towards the non-existence of self, I struggled to witness it firsthand.

In parallel I was struggling with back ache in my middle and upper spine due to long sits. By now I had tried padmasanaa, sidhasana, vajraasanaa² and I know there’s no magic on the floor. All of them yielded nothing but pain.

Persisting in my inquiry, I reached a pivotal realization: I had been neglecting a crucial aspect of practice - relaxation and smiling, as taught by Bante Vimalaramsi in his Metta meditation. As I embraced the relax and smile technique wholeheartedly, a profound shift occurred. Suddenly, I experienced a profound disassociation of the self from sensations, marking a significant milestone in my journey of self-discovery and realization.

Day 9: Persistence

On Day 9, despite my best efforts, I continued to grapple with the search for dissatisfaction within sensations. Although I attempted to implement relaxation and smiling techniques, it seemed my efforts fell short. Dissatisfaction remained elusive, stubbornly resisting my scrutiny.

However, a significant shift occurred during the evening session on Day 9 when the noble silence was relaxed, allowing the ten-day practitioners to interact freely. Meeting fellow practitioners, I was struck by the warmth and camaraderie among us. As conversations flowed and experiences were shared, I found myself observing the construction of the self-identity within my mind as I engaged in these interactions. It was a fascinating insight into the workings of the mind and the role of social interaction in shaping our sense of self.

Reflecting on my experience, I couldn’t help but compare it to the occasional one-day silent retreats, known as Mouna Vratam, practiced at home. While those brief periods of silence were beneficial, the profound stillness and tranquility experienced during nine consecutive days of noble silence were unparalleled. It was a truly blissful and enriching experience, deepening my understanding of the self and the power of silence in fostering inner peace.

Day 10: Loving Kindness

The introduction of loving-kindness meditation, known as Metta in Pali language, marked a significant departure from the Vipassana technique I had been immersed in. While Metta was not new to me, having practiced it before under the guidance of Bante, its inclusion in the retreat was presented as a soothing balm to the wound. Unlike Vipassana, where bodily sensations are the focus, Metta meditation centers on cultivating feelings of happiness and loving-kindness, and using this feeling as the object of meditation. To be honest, I felt Goenka fell terribly short on this method.

Initially, the Goenka’s chanting during the Metta session felt reminiscent of familiar Hindu traditions, but the mourning tone disrupted my meditation, prompting me to return to Vipassana. Yet, when others were practising Vipashana in silence, I found myself naturally gravitating towards Metta using Bante’s technique.

As I immersed myself in Metta, I experienced a profound shift. Uttering the phrase “Sarveeshaam svasthir bavathu”³ in my mind with pure intentions, I was overwhelmed by a surge of pleasant sensations, accompanied by tears. This persisted for over 2 minutes. However, this experience, though initially euphoric, soon gave way to discomfort as it moved my focus away from the feeling of happiness. Was this rush of sensations a manifestation of dissatisfaction? I couldn’t be certain.

As I alternated between focusing on happiness and grappling with distractions, I realized the cycle was exhausting and frustrating. The hindrances pulled me away from my intended focus, leaving me feeling drained.

Reflecting on these experiences, I grappled with uncertainty. Was my realization about dissatisfaction a genuine insight or merely a product of confirmation bias? The ambiguity lingered, underscoring the complexities of the meditative journey and the challenges of discerning truth amidst subjective experiences.

Day 11

As the retreat drew to a close, I emerged from the cocoon of silence and solitude, reentering the noisy outside world. Yet, within me, I carried the profound stillness, the timeless wisdom, and the promise of inner transformation. It’s quite impossible to catch the butterflies when you try hard. When you take a few moments to relax and just observe what’s going on and the butterflies will sit all over you. Good things in life are like these butterflies.

Body Statistics

My body felt like it was beaten to pulp after long sits for 10 days. I slept well upon reaching home, and meditated in the evening. The next day upon waking up at 5 am, I checked my HRV (using Polar H10) and it had slumped from 68 to 47, by 21 points. However the resting heart rate had improved from 60 to 47. My work out numbers were miserable than ever as I had regressed severely. I’m hoping that it will improve over the next two weeks.

Exercise	March 27, 2024	April 23, 2024
Jump ropes	Easy 300 x 2 sets	Struggled to complete 200 x 1 set
Pull ups	30 lb weighted, 10 reps x 3 sets	normal, 8 reps x 2 sets
Push ups	20 reps x 3 sets	20 reps
Squats	195 lb x 5 reps x 2 sets	110 lb x 3 reps x 1 set

Conclusion

Life unfolds in its own way, yet our minds often impulsively react to its twists and turns. Retreats like this offer an opportunity to rewire our responses, fostering mindful reactions imbued with genuine peace and wholesomeness, regardless of the circumstances. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly recommend such retreats to anyone seeking to enrich their lives and cultivate emotional well-being. For the most profound journey is not one of external discovery, but rather an introspective voyage into the depths of our own consciousness. True happiness is found not in reaching a destination, but in cherishing the moments along the way. Embrace this journey fully!

Until next time, may you find peace, harmony, and boundless happiness.

Footnotes